(no, none of these pictures have anything to do with anything)
yesterday was fast sunday for us. sometimes fast sunday rolls around and i feel perfectly content sitting in my seat for the whole meeting, listening to others share their thoughts.
and then sometimes i get the nervous, sweaty-palms pressure and i feel like i need to get up and make the long walk to the stand to share my thoughts.
and what usually happens is i get up there and have all these things i want to say and then i start crying basically before i even say 3 words and it's just downhill from there.
well yesterday during the meeting, i felt ok and just enjoyed listening to others and playing with gracie, trying to keep her occupied (1pm church...the WORST). anyway, jae ended up taking gracie out to the foyer so i was all alone. that nervous feeling started and i started racking my brain for what on earth i might have to share.
anyway, i ended up talking myself out of it. i just really hate getting up there and then i just cry and no one can hardly understand what i'm even trying to say and jae just looks at me like "yes of course you cried again but yes of course i still love you". i just want to get up and say something just one time without blubbering my way through it. ONE TIME! so i didn't get up. and then naturally i felt dumb and guilty and i should've just done it. so i made a deal with myself that i'd go home and blog about what i wanted to say. i need to express my thoughts somehow, and if i won't allow myself to get up and do it when so urged in front of a group of people, i'll do it here.
basically i just am feeling super overwhelmed. like, 97% of the time. being a new mommy, going back to work, trying to juggle those two things (as if they aren't enough!) with "regular" life - grocery shopping, cleaning the house, not being totally anti-social, being a wife, having enough money to pay bills, making sure zoey doesn't feel completely abandoned or lonely....it's all just so completely overwhelming. but it doesn't have to affect us unless we let it. that's what i'm starting to learn, anyway. but there are those small moments (perhaps few and far between..) that i feel like 'hey, i've got this! things are under control and i know what i'm doing!' and thank heaven for those small moments. they are what get me through. they are what remind me that i'm not alone. that i'm headed in the right direction. that i'm making at least SOME good choices. and for now, that is good enough.
yes, i need to make an effort and i need strive to do my best. but that's all i can do - my best. and that's ok.
Love you, sister. You're a great momma and wife. Xx.
ReplyDeletechels, i think about you often and seriously cannot wait til you're a sweet momma. your little girls (let's be honest - they'll be girls ;)) are going to be so spoiled and just loved so much by you. it will be such a sweet thing to see.
DeleteYou are doing a wonderful job!! Heaven knows this job of motherhood and the like (basically just living period) is NOT for the faint of heart. I absolutely love all the pics. Little miss Gracie lou radiates purity and perfection and love... even through the pictures. And you are SO right, your best is enough.
ReplyDeletepetrice you are so sweet! not for the faint of heart, indeed! as you well know! you're awesome, don't forget it! that is so sweet what you said about Gracie. that's all any momma could ask for right? :)
DeleteI swear that I could've written this post myself and tried to describe the exact same feelings but it would've come out a jumbled mess! you're not along in feeling this way...I feel it nearly daily! And it really is so hard to not let it get the best of you! Hearing you talk about it helps me and other new moms realize that we're not along in feeling this way and we will all be just fine! thanks for the post mara! and such cute cute pictures of your darling family!
ReplyDeletei am just impressed you're even reading blog posts! how is that sweet new Milo? i need to come visit. i'm sure you're feeling completely crazy at this point with having two now, but i'm sure you're doing amazing sarah!
Deletelove your honesty, and i know so many feel this way! i have been feeling underwater lately and trying to stay afloat...and i don't even have a baby in the mix! :) you're darling and i loved this. your best is enough for sure! Xo
ReplyDeletethank you emi! i think it's easy to feel underwater, for sure. life just gets so crazy sometimes! but that's what keeps things interesting, right? ;)
DeleteYou do "got this"! Everyone has days (or weeks, or months!) of overwhelm, but we're somehow strengthened more and more until we are able to not only handle everything, but sail through it. I imagine parenthood is a pretty steep curve for the first long while, but I'm absolutely sure you're doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteI love the pictures, btw--you and Gracie look so beautiful!
thank you torrie, i needed to hear that! we are strengthened and ready for the next wave that hits - whatever it might be. you're so right.
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