this is something I need to write about. I spent a few hours of the early morning this morning awake instead of asleep, going over and over all these thoughts in my head. I need to get them out of my head and somewhere else.
this is from Monday October 13th. almost two weeks ago. baby Horrocks #2:

we found out we were expecting mid-September. we were so so excited. after two ultrasounds (the one above being the second) we finally figured out how far along I was and when I was due. the end of may 2015. we celebrated gracie's birthday last weekend (more on that later) and let all the family in on our new baby secret. it was exciting and so fun and everyone was so surprised.
fast forward to this past Thursday the 23rd. I went in to the doctor for a regular check up. since jae had already taken off work to go to the two ultrasound appointments, he didn't come with to this one. because I have a flipped/tilted uterus, they were having trouble seeing the baby and the baby's heartbeat with the regular office monitor. the big ultrasound machine is right next door, and was free at that moment, so we hurried over there and they let us use it. finally, we had a great picture of the baby. you could see the body, the head...even distinct features of the face. a little arms stuck out on the sides of the body. it was amazing, really, to see the detail so early (I was just over 9 weeks). the placenta and umbilical cord and everything else looked healthy and normal.
except there was no longer a heartbeat.
since we had had this same ultrasound just the week before, I knew what to look for and what I'd see as far as the heart beating. so it was pretty obvious before anyone even said anything that there was no heartbeat to be found. I didn't exactly want to accept it and was kind of in shock, but as soon as they turned my regular check up appointment into a formal 'fetal demise' ultrasound, I knew I was right. and that's when I started to cry.
they measured the baby, and found he/she had stopped growing just about 3 days before - Monday the 20th. exactly one week after that ultrasound picture above. since everything else looked really healthy, they said it was just one of those things - for whatever reason, the cells that had come together just weren't meshing how they should and the little peanut knew it. so he/she decided to stop growing and end things now.
as soon as I got out, I called jae at work and let him know. he left work and we spent the rest of the weekend together - him, gracie, and me.
we're sad and overwhelmed and disappointed and hurting. but we also know it's all part of a bigger plan and we will be ok. maybe not today, but eventually. the last few days, we both just kept saying how grateful we are to have gracie through all of this. she has been our one bright, happy spot. if we didn't have her, as jae put it, we'd just be crying and sad all day long.

I can't help but feel like I was being prepared for this. or something like it, anyway. I told jae many times in the weeks before this that I was just worried about something happening or going wrong. I just have had a feeling that we would go through something like this some day. obviously I didn't know why or what or when. but I just did. doesn't make it any easier now that it has happened, of course, but in some small way, I think it acts as a bit of a comfort now. I know we're able to get through this and be ok again.

I go in this Tuesday for a D&C. it feels like forever away still. I'm not at all ready to go through something like this but I also just want to get it over with already. I feel like we can't have closure or move on until Tuesday is over.

this past Friday night, we got Chinese take out. trying to keep things "normal", after dinner I grabbed our fortune cookies and told jae to pick one. I opened mine first. maybe those fortunes aren't always just really random and out there. sometimes they're absolute tender mercies sent at just the right times.


taking stock, v. 3

Making: a to-do list for gracie's birthday party in two weeks. i just keeps growing.
Cooking: lots of soup, now that fall is officially upon us. i have a new potato bacon recipe to try this weekend!
Drinking: in these last few weeks/days/hours of nice sunny weather. the snow will be here before we know it (blech).
Reading: silver linings playbook. and gone girl is up next.
Wanting: a long afternoon nap. i'll be honest.
Looking: for anything pink and gold and glittery (yes, for gracie's party).
Playing: on our new little keyboard at home. well, mostly gracie plays pounds on it. it's good fun.
Wasting: my life away washing dishes and doing laundry!!!! ok so i'm being a little dramatic. but for reals, that's how it feels some days.
Sewing: a patch on jae's work shorts that we just bought a few months ago and are already ripped right through.
Wishing: our garage was done.
Enjoying: all the rain lately.
Liking: that i'm finally craving sweets (read: chocolate) LESS now. since ending the breastfeeding journey, my sweet tooth has taken a chill pill and i actually really appreciate that.
Wondering: how long i've got until gracie is walking all around. i sense it's coming sooner than i'd prefer.
Loving: my sweet family of 3 + the dog. it's a good little gig we got going :)
Hoping: i'll always remember to take advantage of all the time i have at home with gracie. it is fleeting & i don't ever want to take it for granted.
Marveling: at how life truly just gets better as i get older. sometimes harder. but still better.
Needing: this general conference weekend that's coming up.
Wearing: my hair up a lot lately. ok i'll admit it - i'm ready for my long hair to come back again.
Noticing: how much and how quickly gracie learns new things. every day, it seems like she's making a new sound or noticing something new or moving around in a new way. she's so smart. just soaking everything up like a cute little sponge.
Knowing: how completely blessed and taken care of i am.
Thinking: about what gracie should be for halloween. cuz she'll be one and she's going to care so much, i know.
Feeling:  the Lord's hand in my life. he's totally in charge - and that is a very good thing.
Bookmarking: all things party decor because i can use all the help i can get. not so blessed with creativity over here.
Giggling: at how many hours i've already spent on thinking/researching/planning gracie's 1st birthday. and honestly, i'm really simplifying it compared to a lot of cray cray moms out there, i think. it's absurd. but i kind of love it.

(sneak peak at recent pictures we did this past weekend. thanks to torrie, we still got some good shots even though it was pouring rain.)


bff's. they really are.

gracie: oh look at zoey sleeping so nicely. i think i'll grab her ear but look super non-chalant while doing it.

zoey: you let go of my ear!

gracie: hahahaha!
zoey: if you don't let go, i will sniff your face & possibly lick your nose.

gracie: oh no you didn't!
zoey: mom, please get her away from me.


garage in progress.

we're (finally) building a new garage! yayyyy!!!

see, our current garage is essentially caving in on itself. after years of our driveway flooding any time it rains and that water running well into the garage too, it's a very sad yucky rotting mess. well, with our new neighbors building their new house and putting in curb and gutter, it's only going to make our situation worse than it already is (and it's pretty bad!). plus, our garage is really our only good storage space and you can't even hardly use it because it floods. meaning nothing of value or that could be water damaged can sit anywhere within inches of the garage floor. pretty tricky!

so after dealing with this for over two years now, we decided it was now or never. time to build a new spacious, storage-filled, FUNCTIONAL garage!
(on the opposite side of the house from where the garage is now, as to prevent a lot of the current issues.)

so over the last few weeks.....
we started here:

then to this big hole:

 footing & foundation:

and now the garage floor is where we're at (!!!!):

this week we should be getting all our lumber and trusses delivered, and next week the framing goes up! then, of course, electrical, windows, doors, exterior, etc etc. but the plan is to have it all done by the time snow hits.

i can't even tell you how thrilled i am about this.
the cost? not so thrilled.
but the space (it's an oversized 3 car garage) and storage (YES!) and parking cars in a covered space and not hauling babies and dogs in and out of 5 inches of standing water just to get to the car.......it will be so wonderful.


dessert date night.

jae and i had tickets to go to the bee's game the other night. well it was a night that turned out to be super rainy monsoon weather. originally i was planning to take gracie with us, but then with the forecast, got jae's mom to babysit for us instead, but then when it was so crazy rainy, we didn't really want to go anyway. but we already had jae's mom to watch gracie, so we decided we'd still go do something. we had already eaten dinner so we couldn't go out to get food, so we decided some fancy desserts would be perfect.

i wanted TWO desserts!
raspberry cheesecake and a chocolate ice cream pazookie thingy. whatever they're called.

(i literally tried to take a selfie of us like 4 times. this is what i got every single time..)

we ended our date night with a trip to home depot (naturally) and took turns drilling stuff. cuz what date is complete without that?



a few weeks ago we went with a group of friends to the davis county demolition derby. i've been to one or two in the past, but it always seems new & exciting to me. well, usually only super exciting when they're crashing into eachother and rolling other cars around. and then there's the people watching...

anyway we all had a great time and were on the second row, so a clear view of all the fun vroom vrooming going on. at one point, we even had some dirt come flying at us from a crash right on front of us, and jae got a mouthful of it. he was not expecting that at all and it was pretty hilarious.

it was all fun and games, that is, until this happened...

it was the truck round, and they were doing there demo derby thing, when one truck hit another on the side and rolled it over to it's side. this is all very exciting and everyone cheers and the crowd loves that stuff. but then, just as one of the derby worker dudes was over to help the rolled truck's driver get out and shut off the gas to ensure no nasty spills happened, the weight shifted just enough that the truck that pushed the other truck over rolled back off of it, making the truck that was rolled, roll back down flat onto it's side. that probably doesn't make much sense, but basically the derby helper guy got landed on by the truck that had been rolled over. we weren't really sure what all had happened until swarms of people were running over and working together to try to lift the truck off this man. we could then clearly see the man laying flat on his stomach, not moving.

long story short, the fire truck came, the ambulance came, they worked for a good 15-20 minutes to get the guy stable and onto the gurney and into the ambulance. then life flight landed in the field behind the arena and they worked another few minutes just to get him transferred over to the helicopter.

at that point, we left. most people had or were leaving.

it was pretty unreal.
we found out the next morning, the man died from his injuries to his head.

just makes me realize more and more that you never know when tragic things like this can and will happen. it's totally out of our hands, and when it's someone's time, it's their time. it's all part of a bigger plan and we just have to try to live our life as fully as we can and never take anything (or anyone) for granted.


august photo dump.

the last month in (phone) pictures!
{ps - i just scrolled through all of them and realized 99% are of gracie. what can i say, she really is the center of our world}

first time wearing a little clippy! she ended up choking on one of these clippies on the way to church the other week, so i'm not hesitant to use them if i'm not right there to watch her like a hawk.

our new "naptime".....standing up in the crib and crying because she's tired. it's so fun. but i must admit, her little tiny self does look pretty cute standing up in there :)

TONS of pulling up and standing! all day, every day.

first (tiny) ponytail!!! i think i pulled out about 5 hairs just trying to get this ponytail in.

swimming up in park city. finally, she loved the pool! it was nicely warm water so i'm sure that's why.

she's had a really hard time with naps lately (i think because of that darn tooth that finally popped through) so this was at about 6pm one night - just completely zonked out in dad's lap.

of course, as soon as we tried moving her into her crib so she could just go to sleep for the night, she woke up.

as soon as she see's the fridge even cracked open, she is determined to get in there and explore.

SUPER helpful, ALL the time now! (and yes, those are boy jammies with sharks on them. i think they're adorable)

she loves duckies, and she has these little mini duckies. she decided she'd stuff the entire body of the duck into her mouth with the head hanging out to make it easier to crawl around while still having easy access to a duck! genius.

we visited aunt kellie one day, and she had a fun balloon that kept her entertained (and a bit frustrated) for a good 10 minutes.

lots of neighborhood walks with zo. she now demands to hold onto zo's leash when we're out. she can't say much more than dad but she can demand to hold onto zo on our walks. it's magic.

painted our front door yellow!

she loves to stand at the window and watch what's going on outside. and with all the moving and crawling lately, a diaper and some baby leg warmers are the perfect outfit.

and then there's zo. she cozied herself up like this in an effort to get away from people (ie gracie) i think. she loves gracie, but she also really loves her naps.