making up for a missed opportunity.

(no, none of these pictures have anything to do with anything)
 
yesterday was fast sunday for us. sometimes fast sunday rolls around and i feel perfectly content sitting in my seat for the whole meeting, listening to others share their thoughts.

and then sometimes i get the nervous, sweaty-palms pressure and i feel like i need to get up and make the long walk to the stand to share my thoughts.

and what usually happens is i get up there and have all these things i want to say and then i start crying basically before i even say 3 words and it's just downhill from there.

well yesterday during the meeting, i felt ok and just enjoyed listening to others and playing with gracie, trying to keep her occupied (1pm church...the WORST). anyway, jae ended up taking gracie out to the foyer so i was all alone. that nervous feeling started and i started racking my brain for what on earth i might have to share.

anyway, i ended up talking myself out of it. i just really hate getting up there and then i just cry and no one can hardly understand what i'm even trying to say and jae just looks at me like "yes of course you cried again but yes of course i still love you". i just want to get up and say something just one time without blubbering my way through it. ONE TIME! so i didn't get up. and then naturally i felt dumb and guilty and i should've just done it. so i made a deal with myself that i'd go home and blog about what i wanted to say. i need to express my thoughts somehow, and if i won't allow myself to get up and do it when so urged in front of a group of people, i'll do it here.

basically i just am feeling super overwhelmed. like, 97% of the time. being a new mommy, going back to work, trying to juggle those two things (as if they aren't enough!) with "regular" life - grocery shopping, cleaning the house, not being totally anti-social, being a wife, having enough money to pay bills, making sure zoey doesn't feel completely abandoned or lonely....it's all just so completely overwhelming. but it doesn't have to affect us unless we let it. that's what i'm starting to learn, anyway. but there are those small moments (perhaps few and far between..) that i feel like 'hey, i've got this! things are under control and i know what i'm doing!' and thank heaven for those small moments. they are what get me through. they are what remind me that i'm not alone. that i'm headed in the right direction. that i'm making at least SOME good choices. and for now, that is good enough.

yes, i need to make an effort and i need strive to do my best. but that's all i can do - my best. and that's ok.