thoughts on getting pregnant {pt. 1}.

**this was written on february 6th. i wanted to remember all these thoughts and emotions and feelings, but since we aren't ready to tell the whole world about this yet, i'm writing it now, while it's all fresh in my brain...to be posted at a later date.**

i'm obviously no pregnancy expert, and i know everyone's situations are all so very different. these are just my personal thoughts and events of our journey.

this is probably way too much information for a lot of you (if not all of you..) but my cycles run pretty long. i was at day 33 and waiting for my 'lady time', as Jae calls it, to start. i wasn't getting too excited yet, because i've gone as long as 35 or 36 days before. you see - we'd been trying to get pregnant for about 9 months. a very, very small amount of people even knew that we had been trying (not even my parents). so i had come to know it wasn't really worth thinking about being pregnant or taking a pregnancy test until i hit at least 35 days. some months, i took a test anyway. just so i could stop thinking about it. always negative.

when we started trying, i didn't think it'd happen right away, but by the time 6 months, 7 months, 8 months rolled around - well i thought it would've happened by then. and i know - many people have much longer, harder struggles with getting pregnant, so i'm in no way ungrateful that it only took us 9 months. i just assumed it'd be a quicker process than that.

we found out we were expecting on monday, february 4th. like i said, i was only at day 33 of my cycle, so i was trying not to think too much of it yet. i got home early that day and decided to shower before we had to head to our tax appointment. i had a couple tests at home, so i decided to just go for it. get it out of the way. i took a test out, set it in the window sill, and then started the water for my shower. i didn't want to wait the 3 minutes while the water was running just to see another negative answer. so i got in the shower. about 5 minutes into my shower, i couldn't wait any more, and peeked out to look at the test.

two pink lines.
pregnant.

i pulled back the shower curtain and stood in the hot water for a minute.
really?? is this for real? is there some mistake?

i yelled to Jae to come in the bathroom. i felt my hands starting to shake. i was nervous! i told him to get the instruction paper out of the pregnancy test box and read what it said about what means pregnant and what means not pregnant. he did. then i told him to come look at the test. he didn't even know i had taken one. he got a smile on his face!

i was starting to freak out inside. my voice was even shaky! weird. anyway, Jae said we shouldn't get too overly excited until we knew for sure. well...the test said positive right?? but he was right...we needed to test again to make sure. plus, the test i had was a cheap, no-name brand. it could be a false-positive or something, right? i had no idea. i don't know about this stuff.

well, i didn't have any more tests, and we had to leave for our tax appointment. i'm sure you can imagine how distracted my brain was all during that. oh, and yes, because we have our own business, we owe taxes. we found out it'd be about $1200+ in taxes. and that was best-case scenario. there are a lot of other details and things to figure out, but i won't go into that. it's all just dumb anyway.

so we finished with the tax lady and i drove straight to walgreen's and picked up another box of tests. we got home and i immediately went to the bathroom. after the 3 minutes of waiting, we went to look together.

a plus sign.
pregnant.

it was for real! if i'm being honest, i wanted to take another 17 tests just to be sure-sure. sure. but i didn't. i just took two. and two in a row? it has to be for real, right?

it's now two days later. i'm still having a hard time processing it all. it's hard to believe. i have an appt with the midwife on february 28th....i'll be 8 weeks.

sooo weird.
was it this weird for everyone else the first time?
maybe i'm just a freak.

this thing we've been trying for for 9 months, and now in 9 short months (or less...) we'll have a baby. here. with us. it's just strange. and hard for my mind to wrap around.

 all i want to do is tell everyone about the baby! we've only known for not even 48 hours, but part of my wants to just tell people!!! part of me wants to keep it a secret between just Jae and i. we decided we'd tell our families in a couple of weeks, when we get together to celebrate our birthdays. it will be the perfect time, because we already have the excuse to get everyone together. but that's still two weeks away! i have a sister in China. i knew i had to tell her now. i emailed her a picture of the pregnancy test. we were on the phone with her when we did this, so we could hear her reaction and talk to her about it. it was so fun!! she's super excited for us. and sworn to secrecy for another two weeks until everyone else in the families knows.

as happy and excited and thrilled that we are.....we're a little stressed. a few months ago, we decided the time to end our lawn care/landscaping company had come. and Jae would find another, full time job (with a little thing called benefits) to more easily provide for us. i currently work full time and have our benefits, so it'd be a little tricky when it comes time for baby to arrive. and our business just wasn't doing what we wanted it to. well...here we are - multiple job applications and a couple interviews later, and still no job. oh, and yes, we can't forget about the $1200+ in taxes we owe to the government.

it's all a little overwhelming.
but we'll get there.

i feel like this sounds a little gloomy and not how i should sound when talking about finding out we're expecting. trust you me, we're SO SO HAPPY!! i know, without a doubt, we were given this blessing at this very moment in time for a reason. there's a bigger picture that we can't see right now, and i know i just need to trust in the Lord and everything will work out. i cannot wait until october.

we are so blessed.