gracie jane - 2.5 years

gracie was actually 2.5 in april, but saying she's 2.75 seems a little silly.

speaking of silly, gracie jane is so super silly! she is a joy and she also pushes my patience more than my patience has ever been pushed. she is such a good big sister. she's learning to be better at sharing. she wants to play with lola more and more but i have to remind her lola is still a baby and isn't quite as stable or able as she is, so she can't quite 'play' with her like she wants to all the time.

gracie is so loving. she is always giving loves to everyone, unprovoked. she especially loves to give zuberts (raspberries? what else are they called?) to everyone. she won't leave a family gathering without going around and giving everyone a hug and usually a kiss (or zubert) goodbye.

gracie is a little stinker! she is getting smarter and figuring out ways to try to get around rules or having to do things to get what she wants. she knows which parent to ask for certain things or tries asking us both if she doesn't get the answer she wants. it can be so frustrating, but honestly it's pretty hilarious too.

lola adores her big sister and most of the time, she thinks gracie is just hilarious. gracie is good about being a helper with lola, getting diapers, trying to help feed her, getting her toys, and she tries reeeally hard to be quiet during lola's nap times. not always so successful at that, but she does try ;)

gracie loves to put on a show. she loves attention from anyone and she is not scared to talk to people, stranger or not. zero stranger danger with this one! she says hi to random people at the store and sometimes proceeds to tell strangers things that strangers don't need to know about herself or me. people usually thinks she's pretty funny.

if there's one group of people gracie loves most in life, it is her cousins! or 'the kids'. she would play all day, every day with them if she could. they're all at least a few years older, and she bosses them around like it's her job in life. and they do whatever she says most the time! (which doesn't help, but ya know). they love her too. they have so much fun playing together, and she gets ridiculously excited whenever we see them.

she's becoming more and more of a little firecracker, which i probably mostly have myself to blame. i hate to admit it, but i totally give her attitude sometimes because i know she knows better, and she just feeds that attitude right back to me. she has a good little glare going, and puts me in my place at least once a day. she drives me insane, but it's hard to be too mad because i know she gets a lot of it from me. i have to remind myself she's only 2 and it's her job to be a little trouble maker.

at the end of the day, gracie jane is my sweet little mini me bff. she is so funny and so happy and such a lover. she makes me want to be a better person and a better mother every day.

thoughts on pregnancy #2 (vol. 3)

How far along? (almost) 38 weeks! 
Maternity Clothes? yeppers. although i'm sick of every item of clothing in my closet right now, maternity or not. nothing fits.
Sleep: yes and no. it's way less sleep than a few weeks ago. tossing and turning is so hard with a giant belly. seriously, so much effort. and it seems my bladder is only getting smaller and smaller so trips to the bathroom at any hour are becoming even more frequent. 
Best moment this week: two things - got all the teeny tiny newborn clothes out, washed, and put away in her new little dresser in our bedroom. oh my! so tiny. is she really going to be that tiny??! also - Jae and I had a little 24 hour getaway this past weekend and it was so nice. we just stayed in SLC but we had two meals to ourselves and our schedule to ourselves and we needed it before these next few weeks. 
Miss Anything? dr. pepper (only 9 months of my life when i can truly say no to soda. so i take advantage. sometimes i wonder what is wrong with me.) 
Movement: all up in my ribs lately. but i think she's also dropped a bit in the last couple weeks or so. my belly seems to be sitting more on my legs than up in my chest.   
Food cravings: i've been liking tuna sandwiches lately. i haven't had tuna since just after gracie was born (and it made me sick and vomit). but now it's tasty again. even made a tuna casserole the other night for dinner.
Anything making you queasy or sick? meh. not really. although i have been randomly sick the last week. just yucky sick stomach feeling. no throwing up or anything. it's super random and i can't figure out why.
Have you started to show yet? N/A (i mean..obviously) 
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: still a ton of braxton hicks and actually had my first painful contractions in the last week. they're just a light pain and don't last too long, but they're definitely more than the regular tightening of braxton hicks i've been having for weeks. as of my last appt i'm officially dilated to about a 2 (!!!). i was about in that same place when i was induced with gracie at 41 weeks, so this is improvement!
Belly Button in or out? mostly just flat, sometimes a little out. 
Weddings rings on or off? still on, yay! but tightttt. 
Happy or Moody most of the time: i'm pretty happy lately. happy to have these last few weeks, happy to know baby sister is coming SOON. happy to have a better idea of what life will be like in the coming weeks and months for our family (outside of just baby stuff). grateful and content and happy. 
Looking forward to: just the next couple weeks in general. she could come any time, but she could also wait another 2 weeks. either way, she'll join our family and we'll get to finally meet this little one we've been anticipating! 

part of me wants to be done being pregnant and to have this little one here to meet and enjoy and get to know and love. but part of me is stressing about needing more time to get other things taken care of before i'm blissfully consumed with a toddler and newborn. there is a LOT going on and if i stop and think about things too long, i feel like i'm being pulled in a million directions and i get pretty overwhelmed. so i'm trying to remember to just take things a day at a time. a 'thing' at a time. 

because, look at her!

my gracie girl is 15 months old!!

i realized it's been awhile since i've written down all the fun and silly and not so fun things she's doing right now. so here it is.

.she finally has 4 teeth! two on top, two on bottom. slow teeth growers, we are 'round here.

.her favorite foods are mac n cheese, blueberries, chicken nuggets, eggs, waffles, pb&j's, graham crackers, & "nanas" (bananas)

.she started really walking around 13.5 months and hasn't stopped since

.she allows headbands and bows to be on her head (she was on strike there for a few months) but if she gets bored enough, she'll rip them off and they usually end up in her mouth at some point

.speaking of hair, she can wear two little piggy tails now and it's just about the cutest thing on the planet

.she LOVES to dance, especially to taylor swift. literally every day, she brings us the remote (we play it through our blue ray player on our tv) and starts moving her arms around cuz she wants to music on so she can dance! we know every song by heart (jae included)

.she can make just about every animal noise, including dog, lion, bee, horse, monkey, bunny (the bunny makes a 'bouncy' noise, thanks to one of her books), pig, and others i can't remember. my favorite is probably elephant. she makes an elephant noise while putting her arm up in the air like the elephants trunk. it's awesome.

.she's still on the small side, so she wears a lot of 12 month stuff still. she actually was the exact same weight at her 15 month appointment as her 12 month. hello 3%ile! and her shoe size is definitely still in the 6-12 month range ;)

.when it's cold or we look outside at the snow, she pulls her arms across her chest and says "brrrr!"

.she is officially an almond milk drinker. and she's actually drinking less and less lately, which i guess is good in a way because it means she's getting more full on actual food.

.most naps/bedtimes lately, she doesn't care much to be rocked and/or drink a bottle. she is just ready to go to bed. it is nice that she can be so independent and go to sleep so well, but i can't help but feel a little sad and rejected when she sits up and just wants me to put her in her bed instead of rock with me :(

.she still sleeps so well at night - roughly 730pm-7am. naps during the day are always a battle, but we take what we can get.

.she is good at playing independently and loves blocks, cars, puzzles, books, anything that plays music or makes noise, finger puppets. and of course, also things like tupperware, zoey food, random clothing items, tampons, and whatever else she can get. ohh and our phones. gosh if she see's the phone, it's all over. game.over. it's a battle, i tell ya.

.she gives the BEST little puckered kisses. like, real kisses. and makes a "muah!" noise. did I mention that it's just the best?

.she has the sweetest, most fun little personality showing more and more. she makes such funny faces and lets you know exactly how she feels about everything.

.she's slightly obsessed with her belly button and you can often find her with her shirt half up her belly and her fingers over her belly button.

.she knows most her body parts and can point them all out when you ask her - nose, ears, eyes, arms, fingers, legs, toes, belly, bum, tongue, teeth, hair.

.zoey and gracie are best little buds, even though most the time gracie is trying to kiss or hug or sit on zo and zoey is growling at her....they wrestle and play and try to share toys (ick) and i completely love that they love each other. gracie has started picking up zo's food bowl and carrying it over to her bag of food to feed her. then we put food in her bowl and she carries it back over and sets it on the ground for her. smart girl!

.she tries to say any word that you say. she repeats almost everything (enter: mom and dad, be careful what you say! phase). it reminds me often of that friends episode where phoebe is trying to teach joey how to speak French. know which one i'm talking about? phoebe says something, and joey repeats it and thinks he's totally saying it the same. except it totally isn't at all what phoebe said. I feel like that's how it is a lot of the time right now - jae or I will say a word, and she'll say it back. only sometimes it sounds absolutely nothing like what we said. but she has no idea. it is the funniest.

it just blows my mind how much her little brain has grown and seeing her little mind just sucking everything in and learning all this new stuff, every single day. it is unreal. she keeps us laughing all the time. she is a weirdo but so smart and so cute and so funny. yes, we're obsessed.

 

and now, some more pictures of our sweet girl because basically she steals the show. and that's that.

motherhood right now, part 2.

motherhood right now looks like...

..baby girl "crawling" everywhere! i'm not sure it should really be called crawling, but whatever it is she does, she most definitely gets around anywhere she pleases.

..it's official. i am done breastfeeding. (enter sad face & big sigh). it started off pretty rocky but has been amazing and i really have loved it. (although i am NOT sad about not pumping at work anymore). but the last couple of months my milk was just getting less and less and she's almost 11 months now anyway (i kind of had an unspoken make it to one year goal for myself), so i decided to make it easier on both of us and just be done with it. now that i think about it, that's probably why she was still wanting to nurse so often...there was hardly anything in there each time. duh. anyway, it's been easier and quicker to wean than i expected and i'm both relieved and a little sad about it all.

..on that note....i am beyond grateful that gracie has always taken a bottle and formula so well and without any complaint. a blessing, i tell you.

..and another note...gracie is almost 11 months! which basically means she's almost one year old! mind blown.

..since gracie is now on the move all the time, i am realizing how dirty and dusty our house really is. i am a poor excuse for a housewife, i'll be the first to admit it, and i am very open to taking any good cleaning pointers you all have. (especially for dark wood floors. i swear they're never clean.)

..gracie is a bit bipolar about bathtime. she seemed pretty meh about it at first, then hated it and screamed bloody murder til she was out of the tub and wrapped in her towel, and then she was loving it and splashing and playing and life was butterflies and rainbows, and now she seems to be hating it again. she gets excited, mostly because bathtime means she gets to play with her beloved favorite pink rubber ducky (it is strictly for bathtime), but once she gets ducky and gets in the tub, if i even think about pouring some water on her to rinse her off, (heaven forbid wash her down with some soap), she is trying to claw her way out of the tub. it's mind-boggling, really.

..honestly, motherhood is so very sweet right now. someone in an elevator the other day told me that the 8-12 month stage is the best. and i am totally agreeing with them. she is becoming miss independent more and more but still wants momma and daddy and loves to give hugs and (very) slobbery kisses and follows us everywhere. or if she doesn't follow, she'll yell "dad??" really loudly til we answer. and then we just kind of yell back and forth "dad?" and "gracie?" a few times til we're back in the same room again. it's adorable and she's adorable and fun and full of life and personality!

..finally we have 1 tooth! and by we, i of course mean gracie. but it kind of feels like a family effort, ya know? almost 11 months old and she finally has one tiny tooth poking through those slobbery gums.

..being the parents of a baby and a young puppy at the same time and raising them together is so much fun. they are just learning to love each other. they can even play tug-a-war with a rope sometimes (well, zo is playing, gracie is usually mad that zo is trying to take the rope away so forcefully). they give each other kisses (sometimes open-mouthed kisses which is just so gross) and they totally rough-house and push each other around. sometimes it's obnoxious, but most of the time it's hilarious and i completely love it.

..being a mom is still pretty daunting and overwhelming a lot of the time. which i think is something that won't necessarily go away any time soon. which i also think is probably a good thing. it's definitely good to feel like a good mom and like you know what you're doing most of the time, at least, but i think there's a sense of caution and second-guessing that is actually beneficial sometimes.

what can i say, at the end of the day, being gracie's mother is the best gift i've ever gotten!

living & not just surviving.

{inspired by ash and this post. thanks again, ash}

i was talking to my coworker yesterday about food and feeding gracie and how i suck at it. she eats a lot of purees still (mostly purees, really) and most of the 'solid' foods we've tried feeding her, she ends up spitting back out. i know, i know - you have to try things 15 times (15 hundred million trillion times) before they really like or don't like them. plus she doesn't have any teeth yet. not one! so i tend to take the easy route out. i buy more pureed baby food and that's what she usually eats. and i hardly try new things. meanwhile other moms are buying fresh produce and steaming this and food-processing that and baby-led-weaning their way to toddler-hood and it all just makes me feel like a big baby food failure.

i know. it sounds silly and feeding my 10 month old really shouldn't be so hard. but for whatever reason, it is a big stress for me.

so there's that. and then there's everything else.

exercising, for example.
i don't do it.

eating healthy myself.
not really.

going to the temple.
i'm embarrassed to even admit how long it's been.

scrubbing my bathrooms.
jae finally did it because i had let it go so long.

i can't even list any more. it gives me anxiety and makes me want to cry. i feel like now, while i have one baby, i need to get a hold of myself and my life and my house and my schedule and get some perspective and priorities in order. otherwise, i feel like i'll constantly be chasing...something. life, i guess?

i already feel like that a lot, and i'll tell you what - it's exhausting.

i feel like i'm constantly looking to others in these situations. someone to tell me what to do. make decisions for me. and i'm reminded - i'm meant to do this. this is my life and i am in just the right place at just the right time. i'm where i'm supposed to be, and it's all for a reason. i just need to step up to the plate and stop making excuses and stop trying to out-do myself or anyone else. this is a constant mental battle for me.

i need to slow down and re-focus.

life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured.

heart & soul.

I was reading the death summary of a 4 month old baby the other day at work. she was a premie - born at 31 weeks old. she had at least one chromosomal disorder, likely more. some heart issues. and most of all, respiratory issues. her little body just couldn't make things work. too little. too early. too much to handle, and she just wasn't ready to do it. her parents finally could see it wasn't her time to be on earth and she needed to be back up in heaven. and they let her go while holding her in their arms.

working in a children's hospital, I've read these types of things numerous times. all sorts of stories and unreal situations. the things some of these babies and children have to go through...well they just aren't fair. and then there are the parents, too. it's not fair for them either. of course, these things are always sad. always hard to read. but since becoming a parent myself? since experiencing giving birth to my own baby? these stories are almost unbearable to read now. they break my heart. I know for a fact that if I ever went back to patient care, I could not do it in a children's hospital. I just couldn't. I wouldn't be strong enough.

everyone talks about how these little souls just steal your heart and make you love in a way you never even knew possible. and when you hear these things, you just nod your head and smile and agree. but as cliché as they are, I've come to realize how completely true they are. gracie is my world. our world, jae's and mine. what would we do every day without her? what did we fill our days with before? honestly, it's kind of mind blowing.

to be perfectly honest, by the time gracie was about 2 months old, I had this weird feeling that I was already "ready" to have another baby. I wanted to be pregnant soon and have another one close after gracie. of course, I kind of kept those thoughts to myself mostly in part to feeling like a complete CRAZY person for even having the thought cross my mind. but as the months have passed and as gracie grows, it actually is doing the opposite. I'm starting to feel more nervous and am having a harder time thinking about more kids. nervous for logical reasons, like money, work, already running out of bedroom space in our house. but also nervous because it is hard to imagine loving another baby so much. life is so great right now with just jae and gracie and zo and I. why change that? we already were blessed with one perfect little sweet baby girl, why risk it? what if something were to happen? I realize I read too many stories and hear about too many sick babies and it dilutes my perception of reality, maybe. but I just worry about my future babies and all the problems they might have. the illnesses, the disabilities. and as selfish as it sounds, it makes me scared.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. just ramblings that I've needed to get out of my head, I suppose. all I know is I just don't feel like I could love any little (or big) human any more than I do gracie. I'm just so incredibly grateful for her and the happiness she's brought to my life. I am so grateful she is healthy and growing and thriving.

she is my heart & soul, that one.

five photos.

a friend of mine tagged me in a fun post on good old fb - the post is you're supposed to pick 5 photos that make you feel beautiful. i'm not sure where it started or why. at first, my thoughts were ugh i don't have time for this! but then i really started thinking about it. and i think it's a neat thing to do. we're always finding beauty in other things - our babies, our spouses, the outdoors, photos of others.....but not usually in ourselves.

so then i was kind of excited about this :) instead of post it to facebook, i thought i'd make it into a little post on the blog. it can be yourself alone, or a photo with your hubby showcasing your beauty as a wife, or maybe it reminds you of a beautiful time or place from long ago that you won't ever forget about. wherever you find beauty in yourself, share it. i think it's a great thing.

here are 5 photos i found (there were way too many pics and i'd be up all night if i went through them all). enjoy.

i love it when jae kisses me on the forehead.

it's just such a sincere, sweet kiss & it makes me feel so loved.

my daddy walking me down the aisle. he was trying not to cry 

& i was trying not to trip.

we're a lot alike and i love that.

this has always been one of my favorite pictures from our wedding day. i'm not even totally sure why, but it just captured a perfect funny but i'm going to love you forever even though you just shoved cake up my nose moment & it makes me happy :)

one of the very first moments as a family of three 

& the new momma role started setting in.

very surreal and very beautiful.

 this picture is from years ago. before jae, before marriage. it's from a time in my single-lady life when i wasn't sure what i was doing or where i wanted to go. i can appreciate this time more now because it hugely helped shape me & prepared me for things (and people) to come. like jae.

motherhood right now.

(idea taken from natalie jean)
motherhood right now means...

.gracie getting up earlier on the days i don't need to be up early than the days i do need to be up early. go figure.

.LOTS of mom carrying gracie around because heaven forbid she sits down by herself for 30 seconds while mom puts some clothes on or brushes her teeth.

.the beginning of baby pulling her cute headbands off. they're way more interesting to play with and eat then wear on our heads.

.lots of tears when it's either bath time or changing diaper time. both are pretty frightening things, turns out.

.seeing more & more the pain joy of letting your baby experiment with new foods and then having getting to clean up the aftermath. it's just beginning.

.tons of snuggles and open-mouthed kisses and bear hugs with little tiny baby arms reaching as far as they can around your neck. the BEST.

.the sippy cup with water to save the day! seriously, it entertains her for multiple minutes at a time, if necessary. lifesaver.

.many walks around the neighborhood to pass time and give momma's arms a rest from holding the baby.

.zo pup kisses, even after baby has pulled that poor dogs tail and ears a million times.

.waiting somewhat anxiously for baby to start crawling. she's moving around more when sitting or laying (she'll kind of scoot on her bum or spin herself around in circles on her belly) but no obvious signs of crawling yet. i have mixed emotions about it.

.eating lots of fruits (i think they're her fav), but still pureed. solid foods kind of gross her out still.

.feeding the dog puffs and yogurt melts and other various food particles because it's way more fun to throw them off the side of her high chair tray then actually eat them.

motherhood right now is: super sweet, tiring, exciting, rewarding, challenging.