real life.

i'd be lying if i said the last couple weeks of this pregnancy (and life) haven't been kicking my butt.

{sidenote: whenever i start to write posts like this, i always almost stop just because i do not want to sound ungrateful. i have a wonderful life with an amazing husband and daughter and another daughter on the way. we have jobs that provide a life for us. we have money to put food on our table. we have cars to drive and supportive families that do so much for us. but also, sometimes i just need to remind myself that everyone goes through their own trials, and just because my trials and hard times aren't as "bad" as other things people go through doesn't mean they should be discounted, whether big or small. because that's real life. so at the risk of sounding ungrateful or selfish (or like a bad mom..whichever way it comes off..), i just need to get out some thoughts tonight.}

i am so tired.
i've officially hit the last few weeks of pregnancy when nothing is comfortable and no sleep is being had and you're just reaching the 'done' point.

about 3am last night i woke up with body aches (got my flu shot yesterday) and jae was also awake not feeling great. we both got up, had some juice, took some tylenol, and then just laid there for i don't know how long, trying to fall back asleep. but neither of us could. we eventually did, but i knew it'd be a long day today.

i was folding laundry on my bed this morning and gracie wanted to get up on the bed with me. i was hesitant to let her, because i know all too well how she is with freshly folded laundry in arms length. she asked me again and so i helped her up on the bed. i told her she could either sit at the bottom of the bed or right next to me (non-laundry covered areas). of course, she picked one spot and then one minute later decided she wanted to sit in the other spot. fine, fine, whatever. i continued to fold laundry and she reached for a pile of jae's folded tshirts and started pulling them around. i knew that would happen. no, in the grand scheme of things - it didn't matter. but in that second, i was so frustrated that i had to re-fold a few shirts and i snapped at her to drop the shirts and not touch any of the laundry!

she knew i was serious and didn't bother them again. but in that moment, she gave me a look. a look that said mom i'm sorry. i just love you. don't be mad. she hardly said a word but just gave me that look and then came and sat nicely next to me. and in that moment, i was relieved that she got the point and sat down with me. but i was also sad. that momma guilt. i wished i hadn't gotten so upset so quickly.

i'm sure she forgot all about it minutes later and she just continues to love me unconditionally despite my struggles and lack of patience. sometimes i feel like she actually has more patience in her two year old little self than i do in my 28 years of life.

being a parent is hard. some days are harder than others. today was a hard day for me. (and if i'm being honest, a lot of days right now are hard for me). but i guess it's a lot about keeping enough patience to keep the right perspective. because being a parent is also very very great.

i am so lucky to have that little girl that calls me mom.
she teaches me more than i ever imagined she would.

(some old favorites from summer 2014, gracie was 8 months old)

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there! Life will always have its ups and downs---like a poem I cut out once said:

    "Life can only be understood backwards,
    but it must be lived forwards.
    Everything in life is temporary.
    So if things are going well,
    enjoy it because it won’t last forever.
    And if things are going badly,
    don’t worry because that won’t last forever either."

    You'll make it through this because you're strong and wonderful and trying your best---love you, friend!