heartbeat.

this is something I need to write about. I spent a few hours of the early morning this morning awake instead of asleep, going over and over all these thoughts in my head. I need to get them out of my head and somewhere else.

this is from Monday October 13th. almost two weeks ago. baby Horrocks #2:

we found out we were expecting mid-September. we were so so excited. after two ultrasounds (the one above being the second) we finally figured out how far along I was and when I was due. the end of may 2015. we celebrated gracie's birthday last weekend (more on that later) and let all the family in on our new baby secret. it was exciting and so fun and everyone was so surprised.

fast forward to this past Thursday the 23rd. I went in to the doctor for a regular check up. since jae had already taken off work to go to the two ultrasound appointments, he didn't come with to this one. because I have a flipped/tilted uterus, they were having trouble seeing the baby and the baby's heartbeat with the regular office monitor. the big ultrasound machine is right next door, and was free at that moment, so we hurried over there and they let us use it. finally, we had a great picture of the baby. you could see the body, the head...even distinct features of the face. a little arms stuck out on the sides of the body. it was amazing, really, to see the detail so early (I was just over 9 weeks). the placenta and umbilical cord and everything else looked healthy and normal.

except there was no longer a heartbeat.

since we had had this same ultrasound just the week before, I knew what to look for and what I'd see as far as the heart beating. so it was pretty obvious before anyone even said anything that there was no heartbeat to be found. I didn't exactly want to accept it and was kind of in shock, but as soon as they turned my regular check up appointment into a formal 'fetal demise' ultrasound, I knew I was right. and that's when I started to cry.

they measured the baby, and found he/she had stopped growing just about 3 days before - Monday the 20th. exactly one week after that ultrasound picture above. since everything else looked really healthy, they said it was just one of those things - for whatever reason, the cells that had come together just weren't meshing how they should and the little peanut knew it. so he/she decided to stop growing and end things now.

as soon as I got out, I called jae at work and let him know. he left work and we spent the rest of the weekend together - him, gracie, and me.

we're sad and overwhelmed and disappointed and hurting. but we also know it's all part of a bigger plan and we will be ok. maybe not today, but eventually. the last few days, we both just kept saying how grateful we are to have gracie through all of this. she has been our one bright, happy spot. if we didn't have her, as jae put it, we'd just be crying and sad all day long.

I can't help but feel like I was being prepared for this. or something like it, anyway. I told jae many times in the weeks before this that I was just worried about something happening or going wrong. I just have had a feeling that we would go through something like this some day. obviously I didn't know why or what or when. but I just did. doesn't make it any easier now that it has happened, of course, but in some small way, I think it acts as a bit of a comfort now. I know we're able to get through this and be ok again.

I go in this Tuesday for a D&C. it feels like forever away still. I'm not at all ready to go through something like this but I also just want to get it over with already. I feel like we can't have closure or move on until Tuesday is over.

this past Friday night, we got Chinese take out. trying to keep things "normal", after dinner I grabbed our fortune cookies and told jae to pick one. I opened mine first. maybe those fortunes aren't always just really random and out there. sometimes they're absolute tender mercies sent at just the right times.