thoughts on getting pregnant {pt. 1}.

**this was written on february 6th. i wanted to remember all these thoughts and emotions and feelings, but since we aren't ready to tell the whole world about this yet, i'm writing it now, while it's all fresh in my brain...to be posted at a later date.**

i'm obviously no pregnancy expert, and i know everyone's situations are all so very different. these are just my personal thoughts and events of our journey.

this is probably way too much information for a lot of you (if not all of you..) but my cycles run pretty long. i was at day 33 and waiting for my 'lady time', as Jae calls it, to start. i wasn't getting too excited yet, because i've gone as long as 35 or 36 days before. you see - we'd been trying to get pregnant for about 9 months. a very, very small amount of people even knew that we had been trying (not even my parents). so i had come to know it wasn't really worth thinking about being pregnant or taking a pregnancy test until i hit at least 35 days. some months, i took a test anyway. just so i could stop thinking about it. always negative.

when we started trying, i didn't think it'd happen right away, but by the time 6 months, 7 months, 8 months rolled around - well i thought it would've happened by then. and i know - many people have much longer, harder struggles with getting pregnant, so i'm in no way ungrateful that it only took us 9 months. i just assumed it'd be a quicker process than that.

we found out we were expecting on monday, february 4th. like i said, i was only at day 33 of my cycle, so i was trying not to think too much of it yet. i got home early that day and decided to shower before we had to head to our tax appointment. i had a couple tests at home, so i decided to just go for it. get it out of the way. i took a test out, set it in the window sill, and then started the water for my shower. i didn't want to wait the 3 minutes while the water was running just to see another negative answer. so i got in the shower. about 5 minutes into my shower, i couldn't wait any more, and peeked out to look at the test.

two pink lines.

i pulled back the shower curtain and stood in the hot water for a minute.
really?? is this for real? is there some mistake?

i yelled to Jae to come in the bathroom. i felt my hands starting to shake. i was nervous! i told him to get the instruction paper out of the pregnancy test box and read what it said about what means pregnant and what means not pregnant. he did. then i told him to come look at the test. he didn't even know i had taken one. he got a smile on his face!

i was starting to freak out inside. my voice was even shaky! weird. anyway, Jae said we shouldn't get too overly excited until we knew for sure. well...the test said positive right?? but he was right...we needed to test again to make sure. plus, the test i had was a cheap, no-name brand. it could be a false-positive or something, right? i had no idea. i don't know about this stuff.

well, i didn't have any more tests, and we had to leave for our tax appointment. i'm sure you can imagine how distracted my brain was all during that. oh, and yes, because we have our own business, we owe taxes. we found out it'd be about $1200+ in taxes. and that was best-case scenario. there are a lot of other details and things to figure out, but i won't go into that. it's all just dumb anyway.

so we finished with the tax lady and i drove straight to walgreen's and picked up another box of tests. we got home and i immediately went to the bathroom. after the 3 minutes of waiting, we went to look together.

a plus sign.

it was for real! if i'm being honest, i wanted to take another 17 tests just to be sure-sure. sure. but i didn't. i just took two. and two in a row? it has to be for real, right?

it's now two days later. i'm still having a hard time processing it all. it's hard to believe. i have an appt with the midwife on february 28th....i'll be 8 weeks.

sooo weird.
was it this weird for everyone else the first time?
maybe i'm just a freak.

this thing we've been trying for for 9 months, and now in 9 short months (or less...) we'll have a baby. here. with us. it's just strange. and hard for my mind to wrap around.

 all i want to do is tell everyone about the baby! we've only known for not even 48 hours, but part of my wants to just tell people!!! part of me wants to keep it a secret between just Jae and i. we decided we'd tell our families in a couple of weeks, when we get together to celebrate our birthdays. it will be the perfect time, because we already have the excuse to get everyone together. but that's still two weeks away! i have a sister in China. i knew i had to tell her now. i emailed her a picture of the pregnancy test. we were on the phone with her when we did this, so we could hear her reaction and talk to her about it. it was so fun!! she's super excited for us. and sworn to secrecy for another two weeks until everyone else in the families knows.

as happy and excited and thrilled that we are.....we're a little stressed. a few months ago, we decided the time to end our lawn care/landscaping company had come. and Jae would find another, full time job (with a little thing called benefits) to more easily provide for us. i currently work full time and have our benefits, so it'd be a little tricky when it comes time for baby to arrive. and our business just wasn't doing what we wanted it to. well...here we are - multiple job applications and a couple interviews later, and still no job. oh, and yes, we can't forget about the $1200+ in taxes we owe to the government.

it's all a little overwhelming.
but we'll get there.

i feel like this sounds a little gloomy and not how i should sound when talking about finding out we're expecting. trust you me, we're SO SO HAPPY!! i know, without a doubt, we were given this blessing at this very moment in time for a reason. there's a bigger picture that we can't see right now, and i know i just need to trust in the Lord and everything will work out. i cannot wait until october.

we are so blessed.


  1. I just loved this, Mara. Granted, I'm definitely not pregnant, but let me assure you that when that time comes in my life, I will be more than a little freaked out to think that i'm actually pregnant. And, since I'm a stress ball at any given time, you can bet I'll probably be a mess of nerves too. But happy, of course :)

    I'm so thrilled for you both!

  2. I think it's freaky no matter what pregnancy you are on. With Bryson I had no idea what we were getting oursves into. With Kellan it had been 13 months and I was so relieved but again freaked out because it meant two kids!!! You'll be a great mother and things will work out with jaw and a job. If there is anything I've learned in the past few years, God really has his own time and he does provide as long as we put forth the work. So didn't mean to come across churchy. ;)

  3. You're gonna be the best mama! can't wait to have play dates!

  4. Oh Mara I love this! I am so excited for you! You are going to be great parents. No matter how exciting it is, it is totally normal to be freaked out (not that I have ever been pregnant) because it is a huge life change. But the best change ever! Oh I am so happy!

  5. What a lovely post!! It brought memories rushing back of seeing those two lines and re-reading the instructions, and then re-taking tests just for sure-sies. Actually made me cry, that's how big of a baby I am these days... just you wait HAHA! You guys are such great examples of faith and moving forward. The stress with jobs and such can be so overwhelming. I know Heavenly Father has something awesome in the works for your cute little fam. Love you friend!! So happy for you!!

  6. I just love this! I know the feeling! So excited for you guys! Can't wait to get our kiddos together! Hope you are feeling ok! xo

  7. Aaaw, hugest congratulations!! This brought back fond memories for me. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, Peter, on February 4th too (though mine was in 2006) and then he was my sweet little autumn baby. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

  8. Yay! We're so excited for you guys. The great thing about parenting and pregnancy is that you get to take it one step at a time (even if your mind tries to think about all the steps at once). I always have to remind myself that I don't need to worry about how to potty train and teach a kid how to ride a bike at first. All you've gotta do is be healthy and grow that baby. The other stuff comes slowly and one step at a time. :)

  9. So exciting! I had to giggle because my reaction (and I'm sure everyone else's) was the exact same every time I've gotten that positive pregnancy test. It never changes. It's always a heart pounding, hand shanking, moment of disbelief. Congratulations! You'll be an amazing mom!