postpartum & the struggles.

miss lola grey will be 5 months next week. WOW.

i am constantly finding that i am thoroughly enjoying her. i'm not sure if it's because she's my second and i'm not as anxious or worried or confused about mothering a baby as i was with gracie, or if gracie (being the two year old that she is) just drives me crazy so it makes lola look as if she could do no wrong (which she can't!), or a combo of both of those. but i am just loving this sweet little baby right now. she is such a light in my life, i can't even explain.

BUT.

i have also found that i have struggled more postpartum with lola than i did after gracie. my emotions are all over the place, i am SOTIRED, i am easily overwhelmed by anything, really. i was becoming the grumpy, impatient mom that yells at her two year old. and i have absolutely hated that.

i was fed up with feeling that way and also with feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. i was the heaviest i've ever been, and i was eating like GARBAGE (thanks, breastfeeding, i am totally blaming you!). i've never been a great, healthy eater, but when i am nursing, i crave all the chocolate. all the time. ALL THE CHOCOLATE. i had lost 20lbs within a couple weeks of having lola, and then the weight loss ended - came to a screeching halt, and i hadn't lost anything else since.

i knew i had to do something.

a friend from high school became a coach for a exercise/weight loss program called beachbody. i don't really know much about these types of programs and i've never tried one. but i was desperate to do something to lift my spirits and give me some energy and help me start losing the weight (some of which i had never lost after having gracie).

i also knew i wasn't super accountable to just myself and i've never worked out or eaten healthy on any sort of consistent basis by myself before. so i had to do something drastic. like pay money! so i did.

i bit the bullet and paid my money and signed up and joined a group and got my package in the mail. workout dvd's, a meal plan, 21 day's worth of protein powder for shakes (shakeology), a bunch of shake recipes as well as other healthy recipes, and colored food containers to help with portion size. i also ordered two new sets of weights and a measuring tape to get my measurements along the way. i was serious!

basically it's a 3 week program. you are part of a group (on facebook) that is doing the same 3 weeks, but everyone is doing whatever workout program they choose - some did the 21 day fix (that's what i did - it's a good mix of cardio and weights and isn't too hard on a postpartum body that hasn't worked out in awhile), T25, P90X, hammer and chisel, body beast, etc - there's literally like 20 workouts to choose from. you have to log in every day and be accountable for your workouts. for your eating. for drinking your shakes. for drinking enough water. there were also challenges every day - do a wall-sit for as long as you can in addition to your workout, show us a picture of one healthy meal you're eating today, etc. nothing hard, but extra things to keep us accountable and working hard. and you know what? i kind of loved it.

i quickly found out i couldn't cut back my calories like i had hoped (thanks again, to nursing! not that i'd give up nursing, so that was fine), and i also quickly found out how out of shape i really was/am. but i also found out i could commit to something and truly do it. i did my workout every day, i drank my protein shake for breakfast, i included so many more fruits and veggies in my day and cut out so many carbs and sugars. I DIDN'T EAT CHOCOLATE FOR 3 WEEKS STRAIGHT. if that's not a success, i don't know what is!

don't worry. this isn't the part where i share a bunch of before/after pictures in my skibbies. no one wants to see that. but i am happy to say i lost 6 lbs! again, not as much as i had hoped going into this, but considering all the variables, i am just happy the scale kept going down. and i know i am gaining muscle too, so obviously that's not going to help the number go down. i know i lost inches too, but i didn't get those measured from the start, so they're not totally accurate. so i'm just skipping those this time around. anyway our 3 weeks ended this past monday, and i am so ready to keep up what i'm doing. i get up and do my workout every morning and that's how we start the day. my girls know i do that now and usually let me do it without too many complaints (usually ;)). and i am constantly looking at what else i can do - now that the weather is better, we are going on walks and i'm doing extra 10 minute ab workouts here and there, and i'm grabbing an apple on my way out rather than a roll or cookie.

i feel better. i have a LONG way to go still, but i am feeling more energy already. my clothes are fitting better. i am not nearly as tired every day as i used to be. i am finding more patience with gracie (i think that one will always be a work in progress). it's only been 3 weeks, but i am hoping to keep this up for a long, long time. i'm actually already planning to start another 3 weeks of workouts with another group in may. and i'm excited!

this was gracie 'flexing' with me :)

sometimes life is just hard. like after you have babies and you totally lose yourself and your identity and your body for awhile. i so needed this. for me. and i can't wait to see where i'm at in a couple more months from now.