heart & soul.

I was reading the death summary of a 4 month old baby the other day at work. she was a premie - born at 31 weeks old. she had at least one chromosomal disorder, likely more. some heart issues. and most of all, respiratory issues. her little body just couldn't make things work. too little. too early. too much to handle, and she just wasn't ready to do it. her parents finally could see it wasn't her time to be on earth and she needed to be back up in heaven. and they let her go while holding her in their arms.

working in a children's hospital, I've read these types of things numerous times. all sorts of stories and unreal situations. the things some of these babies and children have to go through...well they just aren't fair. and then there are the parents, too. it's not fair for them either. of course, these things are always sad. always hard to read. but since becoming a parent myself? since experiencing giving birth to my own baby? these stories are almost unbearable to read now. they break my heart. I know for a fact that if I ever went back to patient care, I could not do it in a children's hospital. I just couldn't. I wouldn't be strong enough.

everyone talks about how these little souls just steal your heart and make you love in a way you never even knew possible. and when you hear these things, you just nod your head and smile and agree. but as cliché as they are, I've come to realize how completely true they are. gracie is my world. our world, jae's and mine. what would we do every day without her? what did we fill our days with before? honestly, it's kind of mind blowing.

to be perfectly honest, by the time gracie was about 2 months old, I had this weird feeling that I was already "ready" to have another baby. I wanted to be pregnant soon and have another one close after gracie. of course, I kind of kept those thoughts to myself mostly in part to feeling like a complete CRAZY person for even having the thought cross my mind. but as the months have passed and as gracie grows, it actually is doing the opposite. I'm starting to feel more nervous and am having a harder time thinking about more kids. nervous for logical reasons, like money, work, already running out of bedroom space in our house. but also nervous because it is hard to imagine loving another baby so much. life is so great right now with just jae and gracie and zo and I. why change that? we already were blessed with one perfect little sweet baby girl, why risk it? what if something were to happen? I realize I read too many stories and hear about too many sick babies and it dilutes my perception of reality, maybe. but I just worry about my future babies and all the problems they might have. the illnesses, the disabilities. and as selfish as it sounds, it makes me scared.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. just ramblings that I've needed to get out of my head, I suppose. all I know is I just don't feel like I could love any little (or big) human any more than I do gracie. I'm just so incredibly grateful for her and the happiness she's brought to my life. I am so grateful she is healthy and growing and thriving.

she is my heart & soul, that one.