GNOs

i know this is totally random - can we talk for a minute about girls nights? girls nights after you're married and have kid(s), specifically.

why do i have such a hard time with girls nights?!?!?!

it's a question i keep asking myself. i sent that question in a text to one of my sisters the other day, and she responded very seriously and literally and told me a few reasons why it might be hard for me. and then proceeded to tell me how she feels pretty much exactly how i do on the subject, and i felt a lot better. and i remembered why she's my fav sister ;) we must be related or something.

it's so weird. i have some great girlfriends. ones i've known since i was a wee one. these girls have been through it with me - all of the ups and downs of everything from junior high 'love' to engagement break-offs to marrying the right guy to having babies. i love these girls. they know me. and i know them. and i always have a good time when i do spend time with them. yet, at this stage in my life, when we plan a girls night (dinner, a movie, just a low-key hangout at someones house, whatever it is), 9 times out of 10 i end up not going. and as silly as it sounds, i am truly trying to understand why i do this!

we plan something and it sounds fun. and i am genuinely excited about it. and i put it on my calendar in my phone and tell jae i'm having a girls night that day and it's all good. and then the day gets closer and then the day comes and then all of a sudden i am anxious about it and don't really feel like i want to go. prime example: my friends planned a little shindig the other night. i was planning to go. for weeks, it was the plan. then the day before and the day of came and i just was off all day. i was grumpy with my kids for no good reason, i was finding reasons to be annoyed at jae, i was stressing about getting this done or that done. i texted my sister the above question and we talked about it. and then i finally realized maybe it was because of being gone to the girls night that night. that was causing me stress. so i texted my friends and told them i couldn't make it. and after that, the rest of my day just kind of felt easier. i wasn't worried about stuff, i was able to be more patient with my girls, we planned something fun to do with dad when he got home from work...it was the weirdest. i am the weirdest.

there's just something about taking time away from my own little family. spending money (always a stressful, anxiety-filled subject for me, no matter what, i swear!) and spending time doing something that doesn't involve jae and/or my girls when i could be spending time with them (ie i'm not working and jae's not working) stresses me out. i don't like it. it makes me uneasy. and it's not like i'm worried about anything at home - obviously jae is more than capable of taking care of the girls and himself without me. it's not because they need me there. but i would just miss being there. or something. just writing this out makes me feel like a crazy person. i mean, of course it's not crazy to want to spend time with your family, but a few hours once every few weeks with my bffs shouldn't be so hard!?!

maybe it's because i'm a working mom and i'm already gone, missing dinner and bedtime three nights a week. maybe it's because i feel like it takes a lot of work to keep up on jae's and my relationship now that there are two little people that have taken over our life and i relish every minute we get together.

sometimes i think it would be a good thing for me to go and get out of the house and do something with girls i love that doesn't involve breastfeeding or wrestling toddlers to get them dressed or wiping snotty noses or singing abc's or daniel tiger. and honestly, it probably would be a good thing for me. like i said, when i do go to such events, i do have a good time! i enjoy the company of my friends! i almost always stay later and longer than i originally plan! we laugh and eat and have a good times together! i love these people. so again....i don't know.

all i know is i struggle with it most every time. the struggle is real! it doesn't necessarily make sense to me, and sometimes i need to just let it go and go have fun. but it is real, and i needed to just get that out.

i love you, my friends. sorry i'm weird.