living & not just surviving.

{inspired by ash and this post. thanks again, ash}

i was talking to my coworker yesterday about food and feeding gracie and how i suck at it. she eats a lot of purees still (mostly purees, really) and most of the 'solid' foods we've tried feeding her, she ends up spitting back out. i know, i know - you have to try things 15 times (15 hundred million trillion times) before they really like or don't like them. plus she doesn't have any teeth yet. not one! so i tend to take the easy route out. i buy more pureed baby food and that's what she usually eats. and i hardly try new things. meanwhile other moms are buying fresh produce and steaming this and food-processing that and baby-led-weaning their way to toddler-hood and it all just makes me feel like a big baby food failure.

i know. it sounds silly and feeding my 10 month old really shouldn't be so hard. but for whatever reason, it is a big stress for me.

so there's that. and then there's everything else.

exercising, for example.
i don't do it.

eating healthy myself.
not really.

going to the temple.
i'm embarrassed to even admit how long it's been.

scrubbing my bathrooms.
jae finally did it because i had let it go so long.

i can't even list any more. it gives me anxiety and makes me want to cry. i feel like now, while i have one baby, i need to get a hold of myself and my life and my house and my schedule and get some perspective and priorities in order. otherwise, i feel like i'll constantly be chasing...something. life, i guess?

i already feel like that a lot, and i'll tell you what - it's exhausting.

i feel like i'm constantly looking to others in these situations. someone to tell me what to do. make decisions for me. and i'm reminded - i'm meant to do this. this is my life and i am in just the right place at just the right time. i'm where i'm supposed to be, and it's all for a reason. i just need to step up to the plate and stop making excuses and stop trying to out-do myself or anyone else. this is a constant mental battle for me.

i need to slow down and re-focus.

life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured.


  1. There are times in life when you conquer, and times in life when you just stay afloat, and THAT'S OKAY. Sometimes I feel guilty for not making "more" of my life all the time and doing things "to the fullest," but even during the most exhausting and draining times (maybe esp. during those), I am still growing and progressing. In the end, things like keeping a clean house don't really define us, and I'm positive you're a wonderful mama. Keep your head up, friend!

  2. P.S. I really like this blog article:


    It's a good reminder that even the most "mundane" and "staying afloat" times are often preparation for greater things later.

  3. Mar you are doing a wonderful job! I can't tell you that enough. Boy can I relate to this post. Just remember there isn't ANYONE who has it all together. So many people look at you and wish they could hold it together like you, including me. I love you my friend. As far as I've experienced, early motherhood is the most humbling time of life. A time to accept my not so perfect bod, my dirty house, and my kids minus all the scheduled milestones they "should" be reaching. You are doing a good job little mama.
    P.S. Thanks for keeping it real. Just another thing that is so great about you.

  4. I think you're an amazing person, wife and mother. So there's that... Keep on living, sis. You've got this.