real life.

i'd be lying if i said the last couple weeks of this pregnancy (and life) haven't been kicking my butt.

{sidenote: whenever i start to write posts like this, i always almost stop just because i do not want to sound ungrateful. i have a wonderful life with an amazing husband and daughter and another daughter on the way. we have jobs that provide a life for us. we have money to put food on our table. we have cars to drive and supportive families that do so much for us. but also, sometimes i just need to remind myself that everyone goes through their own trials, and just because my trials and hard times aren't as "bad" as other things people go through doesn't mean they should be discounted, whether big or small. because that's real life. so at the risk of sounding ungrateful or selfish (or like a bad mom..whichever way it comes off..), i just need to get out some thoughts tonight.}

i am so tired.
i've officially hit the last few weeks of pregnancy when nothing is comfortable and no sleep is being had and you're just reaching the 'done' point.

about 3am last night i woke up with body aches (got my flu shot yesterday) and jae was also awake not feeling great. we both got up, had some juice, took some tylenol, and then just laid there for i don't know how long, trying to fall back asleep. but neither of us could. we eventually did, but i knew it'd be a long day today.

i was folding laundry on my bed this morning and gracie wanted to get up on the bed with me. i was hesitant to let her, because i know all too well how she is with freshly folded laundry in arms length. she asked me again and so i helped her up on the bed. i told her she could either sit at the bottom of the bed or right next to me (non-laundry covered areas). of course, she picked one spot and then one minute later decided she wanted to sit in the other spot. fine, fine, whatever. i continued to fold laundry and she reached for a pile of jae's folded tshirts and started pulling them around. i knew that would happen. no, in the grand scheme of things - it didn't matter. but in that second, i was so frustrated that i had to re-fold a few shirts and i snapped at her to drop the shirts and not touch any of the laundry!

she knew i was serious and didn't bother them again. but in that moment, she gave me a look. a look that said mom i'm sorry. i just love you. don't be mad. she hardly said a word but just gave me that look and then came and sat nicely next to me. and in that moment, i was relieved that she got the point and sat down with me. but i was also sad. that momma guilt. i wished i hadn't gotten so upset so quickly.

i'm sure she forgot all about it minutes later and she just continues to love me unconditionally despite my struggles and lack of patience. sometimes i feel like she actually has more patience in her two year old little self than i do in my 28 years of life.

being a parent is hard. some days are harder than others. today was a hard day for me. (and if i'm being honest, a lot of days right now are hard for me). but i guess it's a lot about keeping enough patience to keep the right perspective. because being a parent is also very very great.

i am so lucky to have that little girl that calls me mom.
she teaches me more than i ever imagined she would.

(some old favorites from summer 2014, gracie was 8 months old)

birthday celebrations of a 2 year old.

i was so excited for gracie's birthday. i wanted her day to be so fun for her. i really wanted to not over-plan or just throw a big 'party' that she wouldn't necessarily care about or love. i wanted to do things i thought she'd enjoy and prefer to do. it was all about her!

so here's what we ended up doing:
-out to breakfast with the horrocks's (breakfast foods are one of her faves)
-trip to the zoo with just mom and dad (perfect weather for the zoo, by the way)
-a sort of quick 45 minute nap in the car after running around the zoo for 3 hours
-presents and playing and relaxing back at home with mom and dad and grandma
-pizza take-out at home for dinner (she loooves pizza) and more playing with new toys before bedtime

we had planned to take her out to the park and let her play (and swing! her favorite) and have pizza for dinner at the park, but it ended up being rainy and cool in the afternoon/evening, so we had to ditch the park idea.

i think it worked out to be a pretty perfect day for her! she had a lot of fun and so did we. she is such a blast and i loved spending the entire day with the three of us together, just celebrating her!

breakfast with her favorite horrocks uncles

(and aunt chelsea!)

the zoo

quick nap time

 presents at home with grandma

(she got this doll bed for her birthday, and a couple mornings later i found her sitting in it...of course i hurried to take a picture as i was telling her she couldn't get in it, it was only for her babies ;))

thanks for such a fun day, gracie girl!

to gracie, on your 2nd birthday.

gracie jane:

i cannot believe your dad and i have had the chance to be your parents for a full two years now! you have been the hardest thing we've ever done, but you've exceeded our expectations more than we ever could've imagined. you bring so much happiness and laughter and silliness in our family. it's hard to remember life before you.

funny things you say:
guys, calm down, ok??!
delicious!
i love you soooo much
i missed you soooo much
umm sure
when you ask her what her name is she says Graaacie giiiirl!
(when using a play phone) hello, wassup?
(when someone is doing something you don't like) no! stop! *said with your hand up in the air

favorite things to do:
watch daniel tiger. he's your bestie these days.
anything to do with playing outside, but you especially love to swing
playing with your little kitchen and bringing us pretend food to eat
giving your babies bottles and singing rockabye to them
your slide you just got from your grandma karen
listening and singing along to the taylor swift cd. you really know your t.swift songs
being with your cousins
showing off for anyone and everyone
singing songs (twinkle, you are my sunshine, i am a child of god, anything taylor swift, random songs from daniel tiger, abc's, rockabye baby)

favorite things to eat:
strawberries
waffles
eggs
fries
banana bread
apples (but only whole ones that you can bite! no little cut up pieces for you!)
chocolate milk
rice krispies
rice
carrots

stats:
you're still a little one, but you're growing and developing perfectly. you still seem to fit best in 18-24 month clothes right now, but i feel a growth spurt coming on :)


while you are so super sweet most of the time, you are not the greatest at sharing. you often yell 'no!' while at people while pointing your little finger when you don't want them to take/play with something you want. which makes sense, as you don't have siblings yet and don't really have cousins your same age to play with that would encourage sharing. i think nursery has been a great place for you to practice! you are not afraid to give just about anyone hugs or hellos or kisses. no stranger danger whatsoever. you just think everyone is great and are generally very welcome and opening to whoever is around.

you are also a little OCD. you do not like messes or your fingers being dirty. you want to pick up the smallest of crumbs and you like to clean everything with a wipe. i guess that's not a bad thing :)

gracie you are so much fun. you definitely are acting like a toddler and you have your good days and your bad days, but we just can't get enough of you and i am so happy you call me mommy. everywhere we go, people ask how you old you are and comment on how much and how well you talk and how adorable and spunky you are. seriously, all the time. you make people happy all around you. i love to just sit and watch you. listening to you sing is one of my favorite things too. you give the best big bear hugs and you have such a sweet little heart.

love you to the moon, my baby girl.
momma

black island farms.

we had a little mid-week family date night this week out at black island farms. pumpkins and tractor rides and haystacks and goats and baby pig races and face painting (or in our case, arm painting). so fun! we've never done something like this before, and i was so excited about it.

at first, we were sweating it was so warm out! but after the first hour or so, it started to cool down a bit and was really the perfect weather. we got there early too so we beat a lot of the big crowds. i'm so glad we went.

after our farming fun, we made a stop at sill's for some breakfast-for-dinner dinner before driving home. such a fun night! i'm really trying to soak in all the time we have left the next few weeks with just our family of three.

^^ some family picture bloopers. it was really bright ;)

thoughts on pregnancy #2 (vol. 2)

How far along? 33 weeks (i mean, technically we could have this baby NEXT month!)
Maternity Clothes? yes and yes. the non-maternity shirts i still squeeze into now and then are just too short/tight and look ridiculous, i know. dresses that are non-maternity though - i can still pull off a few of those.
Sleep: sure, i sleep. it's getting more difficult to toss my body from side to side. and i usually wake up with a sore back and hips. it is what it is.
Best moment this week: we had a little baby scare last week (everything turned out to be just fine, phew!). the last few days, this baby girl has been like oh you thought i wasn't moving around enough? you want to feel me kick you more? maybe do some flips and jumps off the high-dive? ok well here you go then mom. you asked for it. and i've been loving it :)
Miss Anything? still sleeping on my stomach. and sushi. 
Movement: refer to answer above :) she's all over the place and wedging her little self into places i don't think she's meant to wedge. it's so weird and so great all at the same time. 
Food cravings: nutella! random. i haven't really had it for years, and then spontaneously bought a jar at the store last week (super spontaneous of me, i know!) and now i'm hooked. like, basically every day. i bought the little jar, not knowing if/how quickly it'd get eaten, considering we hadn't bought it in forever. jae said i probably should've bought the bigger jar. yep.
Anything making you queasy or sick? not so much. although honestly, every time i open the pantry (ps, we've never had a pantry before and it is super awesome and i love it but..) it just seems like a big mix of food smells and i kind of hate it for that reason. like, sometimes i try not to take a breath in while i open and close it. but i'm not like, running to the toilet to throw up because of it, so whatever.
Have you started to show yet? i feel like this question can and should be removed after like, 18 weeks. for me, anyway.
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: i've noticed a lot more braxton hicks. just lots of tightening of the belly, especially when i go up the stairs or walk longer distances. nothing consistent.
Belly Button in or out? both?
Weddings rings on or off? still on! but getting tighter.
Happy or Moody most of the time: i feel more happy now that we've got the house sold and the move (#1, still awaiting #2) done. i feel less stress by my to-do list. and i'm happy i can focus more on baby and gearing up for that. jae and i chatted a little about names the other night, and that was the first time in weeks we've even sat down for a minute and talked about it. i'm still easily moody. that's nothing new!
Looking forward to: my answer is still the fall and cooler weather! we had it for a week and it was GLORIOUS and then it jumped to 90 degrees again last week. just yuck!!!!! 65-75 degrees now please.

there are plenty of things i'm nervous and anxious about (sidenote: i feel like my anxiety has been seriously affected this pregnancy. it just shoots up to the roof in no time and it is hard to calm back down again. i don't like it.), but i am just so so excited for her to come. and to be home with both my girls for a few weeks (not long enough) and see gracie with her sister and see the realization hit of a new baby in our house that is with mom and/or dad all the time haha. it will be sweet. i am excited to get the tiny little baby clothes out again soon. pack a hospital bag. set up her bed in our room. all of the things that truly make it 'real'. we are so so blessed.

seven things on a saturday.

.two years ago today i was 40 weeks pregnant (and not going into labor yet..). today i am 32+ weeks pregnant. life is crazy.

.being away from my family on a saturday (especially a beautiful sunny one) all day to work is just the hardest.

.i am so so happy for october to be here. it is quickly becoming one of my favorite months of the year. 

.it's true when people say life/holidays/traditions/etc only get better when you have kids. it is WAY better.

.i got my whooping cough vaccine yesterday and my arm is so soooore. i think that chick was out to get me or something.

.gracie has one week left of 1-year-hood. it's hard to believe we'll have a two year old. although, honestly, she's acted like a six year old for awhile now...

.we're planning to take gracie to her first pumpkin patch next week and i am so excited!

and now for some random but fun pictures.
yes they're mostly of gracie because jae and i don't seem to make it into many pictures these days.

gracie and her grandpa, 

celebrating his birthday a few weeks ago.

who's the cool kid?

riding in shopping carts can be a struggle lately, but ones she can drive are always a good thing!

a gracie selfie (along with about 27 more exactly the same) found on my phone.

"hiding" in dads pants.

flowers we got at the car oil change place. she then proceeded to pull them apart.

shoes, anyone?

on a sunday walk. isn't she sweet? :)

love letters.

i was going through my wallet the other night and pulled out three letters from jae that i've been hauling around for years now. one was from 2009, just after we got engaged. the other two from 2010 - one valentine's day, and one a random one for our 4 month wedding anniversary.

i haven't pulled them out and read them in a long time. i got about halfway through the second one and was just a teary mess. i don't know why i randomly decided to read them at that moment, but it was just the pick me up that i needed right then. reading them made me so happy.

they were so so sweet. short and simple and to the point and reminded me why i married that guy.

it's so weird, life. it's like, i feel stuck in a rut a lot of the times with being a mom and taking care of gracie, being a wife (sometimes?), church, having a full time job (plus some), sleep (sometimes). and then repeat. and then repeat again. but at the same time, it's like life is on fast forward and months and years are passing by and now we're about to celebrate 6 years of marriage together and i can't quite figure out where the time went or what all we've done in those last 6 years. the day-by-day seems slow and sometimes monotonous and hard, but the months and years go by fast, it's hard to keep up. it's a strange thing.

anyway, the letters. reading those just put me right smack dab in the middle of a oh yeah, this is what it's all about. this is what matters moment. i stopped working right then and wrote a little love note to jae. something i haven't done in awhile. i am nowhere near perfect, and i know it. i have things to work on, and i'm trying to improve every day. and jae sticks by me and supports me and loves me all the same. even when i'm a little on the crazy lady side. and i need to make sure he knows that i notice that and how much i appreciate him for it.

he's a good one.

success!

gracie hasn't been able to conquer riding her scooter the 'right' way yet. she's still pretty small and has always just sat on the scooter while we push her around. well not anymore!!

this is just one of my favorite videos of her ever, i have to post it on the blog. she's in such a challenging but such a fun stage right now, i love it.

i love her.

i need to do an update post on her soon. after all, she's almost TWO. (mind blown).