making up for a missed opportunity.

(no, none of these pictures have anything to do with anything)
 
yesterday was fast sunday for us. sometimes fast sunday rolls around and i feel perfectly content sitting in my seat for the whole meeting, listening to others share their thoughts.

and then sometimes i get the nervous, sweaty-palms pressure and i feel like i need to get up and make the long walk to the stand to share my thoughts.

and what usually happens is i get up there and have all these things i want to say and then i start crying basically before i even say 3 words and it's just downhill from there.

well yesterday during the meeting, i felt ok and just enjoyed listening to others and playing with gracie, trying to keep her occupied (1pm church...the WORST). anyway, jae ended up taking gracie out to the foyer so i was all alone. that nervous feeling started and i started racking my brain for what on earth i might have to share.

anyway, i ended up talking myself out of it. i just really hate getting up there and then i just cry and no one can hardly understand what i'm even trying to say and jae just looks at me like "yes of course you cried again but yes of course i still love you". i just want to get up and say something just one time without blubbering my way through it. ONE TIME! so i didn't get up. and then naturally i felt dumb and guilty and i should've just done it. so i made a deal with myself that i'd go home and blog about what i wanted to say. i need to express my thoughts somehow, and if i won't allow myself to get up and do it when so urged in front of a group of people, i'll do it here.

basically i just am feeling super overwhelmed. like, 97% of the time. being a new mommy, going back to work, trying to juggle those two things (as if they aren't enough!) with "regular" life - grocery shopping, cleaning the house, not being totally anti-social, being a wife, having enough money to pay bills, making sure zoey doesn't feel completely abandoned or lonely....it's all just so completely overwhelming. but it doesn't have to affect us unless we let it. that's what i'm starting to learn, anyway. but there are those small moments (perhaps few and far between..) that i feel like 'hey, i've got this! things are under control and i know what i'm doing!' and thank heaven for those small moments. they are what get me through. they are what remind me that i'm not alone. that i'm headed in the right direction. that i'm making at least SOME good choices. and for now, that is good enough.

yes, i need to make an effort and i need strive to do my best. but that's all i can do - my best. and that's ok.

january.

i decided it might help me to stay on top of my blogging by doing (at least) a monthly blog update. just to help remind me of what we've done during each month and all the big and little things I want to remember.

so after our anniversary, the rest of January was spent:

cleaning up blow-outs! miss gracie jane started wearing a bigger sized diaper shortly after this :)

gracie spending lots of playtime with her cousins every week

celebrating zoey's 2nd birthday!

 

 

taking millions of pictures of gracie

 

 



zoey and gracie spent time bonding over tummy time

after multiple failed attempts at getting gracie to take a binky (this pic is one of the maybe three times she actually took it), she finally just decided her thumb was what she wanted

 

 

zo helping jae do a puzzle

 

 

 

praciticing holding onto toys (and eating them of course)

 

 

 

lots of daddy snuggles and reading stories

 

 

 

gracie practicing napping in her crib (doesn't usually last very long)

 



 

and a picture of my three favorites!

 









celebrating 4 years.

we celebrated our 4 year anniversary two months ago now....

since we had a 2.5 month old and not a lot of extra time to get away, i planned a stay-cation for us to celebrate this year.

we started it out with some five guys.

then we headed downtown SLC to the Grand America where we just hung out. no big plans (well, i did want to go swimming since it would be Gracie's first time at the pool, but turns out they charge an extra $10 just to go swimming.....i wasn't up for that, especially considering who knew with Gracie if we would be there for an hour or 5 minutes). we did stop at a couple shops in the hotel and got some chocolate covered strawberries and gelato. SO good.

we took Gracie with us for a few reasons, and i was glad we did. it didn't in any way make our celebrating not fun. i probably would've just been stressing over her and how she was if we had left her with someone. and besides, she's super cute so we just took lots of pictures of her :) (and none of us! haha)

this was just hilarious....she kept leaning too far over and then she'd just slowly slide til she fell all the way over on her side. she wouldn't cry or get upset - just look at me like 'uh....guys..'

she's been one of the best things about our life and our marriage so far, so why not celebrate with her, right?
oh - we did go to dinner too that night. olive garden. Gracie wasn't super happy during dinner, so it was short and sweet.

here's to the next 4 years, and the next 4 after that!